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Jun. 11th, 2011


One Last Day (panic ff)

One Last Day  [starring Spencer and Ryan]
Author: Beacbutt (me)!
Genre: Fan Fiction i guess
Word Count: 800
None of the characters in this story belong to me. none of this ever happened whatsoever!
A/Notes: Standalone fan fic thing I wrote one time. I wrote it a while ago and have made quite a few changes since the orignial thing, so it probably still isn't as good as it could be :P It makes no sense at all,, but please read and hit me up with a comment!

One Last Day
by Beachbutt

Why do people think that they are the reason they live? I'm not even sure if that phrase makes sense, but in my mind, I suppose it does.
See, I wasn't always like this. You made me this way. You changed me, shaped the way I think, see, and feel. If it wasn't for you, God only knows where I would be right now. You showed me a world of which I would have never seen if it weren't for you...


"Spencer?" I heard you say. I couldn't see your lips moving, for it was dark, but I imagined the way your delicate upper lip would part your lower one only just enough to let the two syllables out of your mouth and then they would be sealed together again.
"Yeah?" I replied.
"Suddenly…  I don’t feel safe." I could feel your body starting to shake.
"Ryan, I--" I was worried now. You had some of those little stints, back then, when your anxiety got the best of you. Kind of made you seem...
"I'm here, I'm right here." I took your hand with both of mine and held it close to my chest. "I'm right next to you." This was the first time I had actually held your hand.  I always worried about that moment and played it out in my head, but when it came, it felt so right, so natural, automatic even.
You shuffled closer to me and put your other palm flat against me chest. Your face was close enough now to see your features: You tilted your head back and a little smile spread across your face, eyes closed.
"You're so warm."
"I am?" My skin felt cold at the time, apart from the small ellipse where your hand was currently resting on my chest and where your knee found my thigh. You were actually warm that night, though I didn't say it.
My left shoulder was getting numb from being pressed against the cold floor.
"Why do I never see these things coming?" I heard you mumble.
I hesitated a moment. In your current state, I assumed that it was a rhetorical question. Obviously, I assumed right for once.

"Don’t you think we should try and get out of here?" You asked, seriously expecting an answer this time.
I took a moment to reply. "Yeah, we will soon."
"But if we wait, wont it just-"
"shh shh shh." I cut you off. "Don’t worry about it, I'll look after you."
You were still for a second and absolutely silent, holding your breath. "Okay then."

Just as you inhaled I heard a loud thump against the metal door over the other side of the room, then another, this time louder, harder.
You started to panic. "Spenc--"
I put a finger to your soft pink lips, which were cold enough now to be an icy shade of purple or blue. You looked at me with the round, rock-pool eyes of yours as I pulled my finger away. I fell into the neat, round pool, getting wet and salty so I had to pull myself out. Or, more likely, you blinked me out, like a particle of dust which just happened to float towards you… like iron filings pulled towards a magnet.

Another loud thump broke my trail of thought. I tried to not look over to the door, because I knew that if I did, I might regret it. I kept my eyes on you - easy enough. I held your hands tightly in mine.

After a few long moments of silence I heard you sob. I then saw the silvery tears running down your cheeks.


“Don’t tell me it’s okay, Spencer, It isn’t okay!”  You half whispered to me.  “That thing is toying with us.” You sobbed again. I pulled you close and happened to muffle your sobs in my jacket.

Another loud smack against the thin metal sheets of what was the shed we were trapped in made you jump and press closer into my body.  

With your bony chest against mine, your long arms folded awkwardly next to me. I wished that this didn’t have to happen for the first time under these circumstances, but being in the present, I couldn’t worry about the future, or the past for that matter.

I heard yet another loud bang from outside and you flinched.

I tried to keep calm. If I wasn’t completely relaxed you might have gotten worse and I was sure, at the time, that if that happened, we would die. Most likely slowly and painfully.

That’s the thing with Grayghuns, they won’t just kill you - They will rip you apart, slowly, piece by piece…


May. 8th, 2011


I Can't Be This Way [part 4]

 I Can't Be This Way
part 4!


I walked over to Alex’s house, giving myself time to think.

It felt different walking into Alex’s house that day. The moment I walked inside I wish I hadn’t come. Alex was cooped up in his room (like his mother had said he always was) and his mother looked at me like I had done something wrong. I guess I had though, so I couldn’t expect any different.

She accompanied me to his room. As I walked down the hall I could hear, progressively louder, heavy metal blasting through the closed door. It was nice to see his taste in music hadn’t changed over the time I had left him alone.

“Alex, Audra’s here to see you.” His mum said, raising her voice over the music which was then turned  down significantly.

“’Kay, come in.” Alex said. Hearing his voice again made me feel relieved, but at the same time, sick with nerves.

I opened the door to his room and stepped inside. Everything in his room was the same, thank goodness.


Alex was sitting on the side of his bed, his chin resting in his palm. His eye lit up under his fringe... a white bandage was on his left arm.

He stood up. “Audra...”

My emotions came over me and I flung myself at him and wrapped my arms around him. To my surprise, he hugged me back.

My mind was now totally out of this. Seeing Alex again and holding him after all that had happened made me feel alive. I couldn’t hold back the day’s worth of tears anymore.

“Alex I’ve been so blind!” I said between little sobs. “I’m so sorry... I never meant for anything to go this far. You love me like a brother, the brother I need to love me again. I’m so sorry, Alex.”

I let my chin rest on his shoulder. My toes were beginning to get sore from standing on them. We stood as one complete figure in the middle of the room.

“I’ve been an idiot too.” Alex said. I think he was crying too now.


I tuned into the music playing in the background. I recognised Time of Dying by Three Days Grace. And then the chorus came in, ~“I will not die, I’ll wait here for you, I will not lie when you’re beside me...”~  A little smile stretched across my face.


Alex squeezed my body tight for a second longer then let go suddenly. “We’ve got some talking to do.” He said.

I agreed. He wiped the remaining tear drops from his face and sat on the carpet.

“So, why the fuck did you decide to ditch me in the first place?” His wild side was obviously still inside of him.

I thought about it, about the previous weeks. “I guess I just took the whole rumour stuff too seriously.”

Alex didn’t say anything. His eyes just wandered down to the floor between my legs and his.

“What did you expect me to say?” I asked.

“So you were afraid of people thinking we’re dating?”

“.... Umm well, no, I just...”

“Never mind.” His eyes found the floor again, avoiding mine.


I looked at the bandage on his arm. “And what made you do ... this?”

He didn’t look up yet. “I guess my life was already screwed up, and with you gone...” He stopped.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Now Alex looked across at me and his eyes were wide and in mine. “You mean so much to me, Audra.”

His eyes were so... beautiful. I had to look away. I picked the carpet with my fingers for a few moments. I touched the wrapped up arm carefully. “If I mean so much to you then why would you try and...?”

“Because I had lost you. I can’t live alone, Audra, you’re my best friend.” He took my hand and leaned so close to me. I didn’t move away or separate our eyes this time. “I need you.” He whispered.

He stayed still but dropped my hand. For a second I wished for him to pick it up again. “Please don’t ever do this to me again.” He leant back slowly but I put my hand on the back of his head, in his soft, dark hair.

“I won’t. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere now, I promise.” I whispered in reply, enjoying this moment however fast it made my heart beat.


We kept talking about things and apologizing for shit we had done and explaining ourselves (or maybe just me), our knees touching on the floor of Alex’s room.

Once things felt okay again Alex turned his music up and we made fools of ourselves singing and playing air guitar to the music.

“It’s almost like nothing happened.” I nearly had to yell over the music.

Alex smiled widely but his eyes were blank.



“You going to turn up to school tomorrow?” I asked standing outside Alex’s front door.

“I think so.” Alex replied. He closed the front door, leaving the two of us by ourselves.

I lifted up his left hand. “Can you take this off yet?”

“Unfortunately not. I got a few stitches, so just three more days.”

I smiled for some reason. “Okay.”

I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine. For a moment I wanted to kiss him.

“I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow then.” Alex said and stepped forward to hug me.

“Yeah,” I hugged him tightly. “Don’t do anything to yourself.”

“I’m not going to.” He said and we pulled apart.


I walked out his front yard then looked back to get one last glance of him and found that he was already looking right at me. I smiled.

He waved briefly and turned to go back inside.



The next day wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be.

Everything was going along fine until lunch break when we were sitting at the wall.

Shelbi and her friends came over and asked Alex what happened to his arm. She was actually the first person to ask him about this and we didn’t know what to say, but Shelbi didn’t need to know anything.

“Umm,” Alex murmured.

I could see that Shelbi really didn’t give a damn about Alex let alone ‘what happened to his arm’.


“What do you want, Shelbi?” I snapped at her.

Phoebe stood to attention. “We were wondering why you ditched us again.”

Alex looked at me then at the ground. I paused and gave what I was about to say a second thought.

“Honestly, I ‘ditched’ you because you were never really my friends. You don’t care about me, you’re not interested in anything to do with me. You are nothing to me.”

Alex smiled at my brave and true words. He pretended to be tying up his shoelaces.

“But we had so much fun together.” Phoebe whined.

“Totally did.” I murmured rather sarcastically.


Sarah leaned over to Tash’s ear and said “She’s turned into a bitch!”

“You know, I don’t give a shit what you think of me.”  I death stared them.

“Good because you aren’t going to like it anymore.” Shelbi said, her hands sitting on her protruding hip bones.

“Fair enough.” I said and leant back onto the wall.

“Come on Shelbs, let’s not waste our time with these losers.” Elle said and began leading the group away.


Right at that moment, watching those five girls walk away from me I remembered Alex’s and my ‘Good Riddance’ chant we sort of made up.

I turned to Alex grinning. “Good Riddance! Remember?!” I asked tugging his arm.

Alex looked blankly at me for a second then exclaimed. “Oh, yeah!” and smiled.


I turned back to the girls.

“ 1, 2, 3,” Alex counted in.

And I hope you have the time of your life!”  We both sang and instantly cracked up laughing. It had been so long since we did that and even though it might not have suited the scenario, it definitely made me feel better.

Seeing Alex laughing again made me feel the best I had in weeks.

I took his left hand in mine and held them up high above our heads.

 “Another victory, Alex?”  I asked grinning.

He grinned back at me and pulled my hand down. Then all of a sudden, and before I could do anything to stop him, even though I doubt I would have, Alex leant over and kissed my cheek.

“Thank you, for everything Audra.” He said. His eyes were gleaming.

I looked into them for a moment, thinking of a right thing to say.

“That’s what friends are for.” I smiled.



A lot of things happened in the next three weeks.

Alex and I had a couple of issues with those five girls, and of course lots of school work, but nothing said about Alex and I seemed to bother me anymore. Most people had lay off it actually; maybe waking up to the fact that Alex tried to commit suicide and realized they had to stop, not those girls though.

 But those girls, they mean nothing. Nothing at all to me anymore.

And the most important thing that happened in the following three weeks is to do with me and Alex. In fact, it is nobody else’s business because Alex loves me more than anyone else (bar my parents) ever has and to be loved by someone that special, is something special, an amazing feeling, and this feeling will hopefully be with me for the rest of my life.

But the future is the future… and  now is the present.


~The End~


[back to previous, part 3]
[back to part 2]
[back to part 1]

[my journal]



I Can't Be This Way [part 3]

 I Can't Be This Way
part 3

I didn’t see Alex until lunch. The girls and I were sitting at our table and I saw Alex go and sit by himself.

“I’ll be back in a second.” I said and quickly went over to Alex. I couldn’t ignore him this time.

Alex sat still, staring at the pavement. I sat opposite him and he looked up at me through his fringe. “What?” he asked. I could see he was still angry and upset. He looked at the ground again.

“Are you okay?”  I asked shyly.

He looked at me properly this time. “What do you think?” He said.

“Well...” my cheeks were feeling hot even though it was freezing cold outside. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Alex snapped.

“Aw come on, you can tell me.” I said.

“I can’t trust you anymore. It’s none of your business anyway.” He said quietly.

There was a heavy silence.

“Well, where did you go during class?” I asked.

“School counsellor.” Alex said in a cold voice.


“Just leave me alone. Please. I’ve had enough of people’s stupid questions.”

I was out of words anyway. Alex’s eyes flickered around beneath his curtain of hair, greener and wilder than ever.


Alex wasn’t at school for two days in a row. I was looking for him before school on Friday. When I saw him I was so relieved. As stupid as it sounds, I was afraid he had run away. I approached him and pretended nothing was going on.


“Hi Alex.” I said.

No reply. Not even a glance up at me this time.

“Where were you-“  I began saying.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone? Isn’t that what you want anyway?”

I blinked. His stare fixed me to the spot. “Can’t I even say ‘hi’ to you anymore?”

“You can’t see it, can you?” his voice nearly caught in his throat.

“What do...”

“This is torture.” Alex said and walked away from me.


A few more days passed in a flash. Every next day seemed to be like the previous one. I was beginning to feel frustrated with myself for some reason.


I got to school on time. No Alex that day it seemed. My half smile faded. I missed seeing his dark hair flopping around his green eyes.

But I stuck with the girls for the first half of the day.

Just before lunch I was called over to the office to talk to the deputy principal. As I walked slowly over I wondered what I could possibly be in trouble for. Maybe someone dobbed us in for the smoking thing. No, then they would get Phoebe, Tasha,  Shelbi and Sarah too.


I knocked on the door of the deputy principal’s office. “Yes?” I heard her voice through the door. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Mrs Fleming looked up from behind her glasses. “Audra, thank you for coming over.” She motioned to the seat on the opposite side of her desk. “Take a seat.”

I sat down. She looked at me for a moment. “I guess you’re probably wondering why you’re in here. Am I right?”  She asked.

I just nodded.

“Don’t worry you’re not in trouble.” She added with a smile but it quickly disappeared. She looked down at her joined hands on the desk.

  “To our knowledge last night Alex…” She paused and looked from her hands to me for a second. My stomach lurched. I could see this wasn’t good news. “Alex tried to kill himself.”


The breath was squeezed out of me like there was something in my throat stopping me from inhaling.  My mouth felt dry. I looked down at my shoes, trying to avoid Mrs Fleming’s eyes.


“I’m sorry you had to hear it from me, but we decided it was better to let you know now rather than later.”

The night before, while I was lying comfortably on my bed listening to music or finishing off a bit of homework, Alex would have been pressing a blade to his flesh, or something to that effect. My mind buzzed with horrible thoughts. I couldn’t keep the image of blood dripping down his arm and onto his cream coloured carpet out of my head.  I felt like screaming out loud. But it was too late for any of that…

Oh my god. Alex could have killed himself.

The previous week ran over through my head. All the loneliness, the pain, the sadness I had seen in him… that I had ignored!

I recalled a particular sentence that Alex had said to me himself; “You can’t see it, can you?”  That was only three days ago.


“Audra?” Mrs Flemings said softly. I looked up at her slightly strained face. “Alex’s mother asked me to talk to you, find out what might have made him do such a thing to himself.”

It was you, Audra .It’s all your fault…  said a voice in my head. 

I swallowed. “Umm  I think it was me miss.”

Mrs Flemings eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

I explained, slowly and painfully, about Alex and I and what had been going on between us for the past few weeks.

“Don’t worry about this, Audra, it wasn’t your fault.” Mrs Fleming tried to reassure me.

The voice in my head kept going, You idiot, wasn’t he your friend?


I was allowed to go home early that day. After a night of hardly any sleep I went back to school.


I wasn’t expecting to see Alex there, and didn’t. So, instead of hanging out with the girls I sat alone and thought about what I had done.

This was never meant to go this far. No. I was only meant to do this for a few days, until they believed I wasn’t with him. How stupid is that anyway? And I got carried away in all their shit. I forgot about how I actually felt.

I pressed my head back against the wall and shut my eyes, imagining everything was okay.

I only opened my eyes again when the bell rang.


I raced home after school.

Not long after I got home, Alex’s mum rang and asked if I wanted to see him. She explained how he wouldn’t talk to her or even his father and barely came out of his room. She wanted someone to talk to him. Her voice was a little uneasy.

I thought about it. But what if he didn’t even want to see me? What if I just made it even worse?

“Did Alex ask you to call me over?” I asked.
There was a pause. “no, but it seems that he’s really missing you.” His mother said. I bit my lip.

“As soon as he got home from the hospital yesterday evening he went into his room and pulled out that old scrapbook that you two made together.”

“What, did he burn it or something?” I tried not to scoff at the thought because I could see him doing something like that.

“Of course not! He got all emotional and… she trailed off.


“What do you say, Audra?” The phone crackled.

“Well, I guess I could come over for a bit.” I said.

“Great. I’m sure Alex will be happier if you do.”

“Okay, I’ll be over in about… 20 mins?”

“That’s fine see you then.” She hung up.


[read part 4 here]



I Can't Be This Way [part 2]

I Can't Be This Way

part 2

The weekend went slower than usual, probably because I didn’t hang out with Alex at soccer like I normally did. Instead I let my mum take my 9 year old brother, Isaac, to soccer and I stayed at home.

I didn’t play soccer anymore. Once I moved up to senior team I dropped out. It’s too scary having those tall, strong boys kicking soccer balls at your head.

Most Saturdays mum would drop me and my brother off at the soccer fields then I would find Alex and Isaac would always ask him for a piggy-back. Then we watched my brother play and after I would buy something for Isaac to eat and Alex would go play his game while Isaac and I ate hot chips sitting by the sideline.

As I recalled last Saturday I almost wanted to go over there and watch my brother and best friend play soccer, and probably win again.

I couldn’t though because I told myself that I had to stay away from Alex for a little while.


It wasn’t too hard keeping myself away from Alex on the weekend but as I walked through the school gates I knew it wouldn’t be as simple.

Alex walked up to me out of nowhere, “Hey Audra,” he said. “Where were you on Saturday?”

“Hi Alex.” I said and kept walking.

I thought it would be a good idea to get used to sitting with the girls so I strolled up to them casually and when I reached them I was greeted with uninviting glares.

“Hi guys.” I threw my school bag down on a seat feeling uncomfortable and rather nervous. Tasha and Elle continued talking to each other.

I sat down with them. “What are you doing?” Shelbi asked, smiling at me for once and chewing on a piece of gum like a cow.

“What is it illegal for me to sit with you’s?”

Phoebe opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out so she closed it again.

“Of course it isn’t, silly!” Shelbi joked with me.

“We’re just surprised you don’t want to sit with Alex.” Tasha added folding her arms.

They all fixed their eyes onto mine. “I just thought I should make friends with a couple of girls, you know?” they kept staring. “Guys can get kind of boring, if you know what I mean.”  I stumbled over the lie.

“Definitely.”  Sarah agreed.

“So could I hang with you girls for a while?” I asked.

“ Yeah, sure.” Shelbi said. The others nodded and smiled.


The bell rang and we all got up and headed to our form class. I got my books for the first two periods as always and followed the girls into room 10. Everyone jumped into seats quickly and I found that there were only two seats left – One next to Alex and one next to Joey. Alex looked at me and half smiled his hands somewhere at his sides, probably in his pockets.

I shifted my eyes away and sat down in the desk next to Joey.


At lunch break Alex came up to me and asked what was going on.  The other girls stared at him. Maybe glared at him actually.

“I’m just going to hang out with these girls for a bit.”

He looked at me in confusion, then at the other girls, then back at me. I could see something in his eyes, something I had only seen once and I had hoped to never see again, but it was there. Loneliness. Would I be able to sit with you then?” He didn’t look directly at me.

“Umm.” I looked at the other girls nervously. “It’s kind of just the girls table.”

Alex looked down at his hands. “Okay.” He said without a second glance and left.


I understand that I might have hurt him a bit, but it would only be for a few days, just enough for people to realise that we aren’t a couple. No need to get all pissy at me for wanting a few more friends.


On Wednesday the girls and I went downtown after school, not for anything in particular, just a chance to hang out at the park and stuff. So after school Tasha, Phoebe, Shelbi and I headed down to the park and sat on the green grass and had fun, mainly talking to each other and having a laugh.  Not long after we got there I noticed a boy, older than us girls, walking towards us. He had a couple of ear piercings and wore baggy grey jeans. In fact, he wasn’t all that bad looking...

“Hey Kyle!” Tasha greeted him when she turned around and saw him. He sat close to her and after a moment put his arm around her shoulder. “Oh, Audra, this is my boyfriend Kyle.” Kyle gave me a bad boy smile, which Tasha didn’t notice. I smiled nicely back.

Boyfriend!? He’s like 18 years old. Why would Tasha want a boyfriend so much older than herself?

Well, she is a fairly pretty  girl... but still!


“Want a cig, Tashie babe?” Kyle said in a sexy voice. I could see why Tasha liked him... No. He’s way too old for me or Tasha for that matter.

“Sure.” She replied. I watched Tasha take a cigarette from Kyle, gently place it between her lips, light it and inhale. She looked awkward, very awkward. Tasha took it out of her mouth and exhaled, nearly coughing, blowing a thin puff of smoke in our faces.

“Want some Phoebes?” Tasha asked.

“Kay,” Phoebe took the little cylinder and did the same as Tasha had done, then held it out to me like it was a normal thing to do.

“Come on, it won’t kill you.” Phoebe said.

I shook my head slightly.

“We’re just having some fun!” Shelbi added.

 I looked around at the group and at Kyle. Well, if Kyle does this all the time and still looks that good, it can’t be too bad. He smiled at me again.

I reluctantly took the white, smoking tube out of Phoebe’s fingers and did what they had done before. The moment I inhaled I choked up and started coughing. I gave the horrid thing to Shelbi who looked at me (still coughing a little,) and shrugged then took a breath of it.

“Happens to everyone first time.” Shelbi said.

First time?! I won’t be trying that again anytime soon!


Kyle stayed for another 20 minutes or so then he left, claiming he had organised something with his mates.

Tasha and the other girls started talking about Kyle. The more I heard, the more I believed that it wasn’t a good idea for Tasha to be dating him, no matter how sexy his voice was, or how good looking he is.


When I was walking home the thought that someone might have seen us in the park crossed my mind. What if someone told our parents that we were smoking? Hmmm. Mum would probably greet me with, “What were you and your friends doing in the park earlier?”

I had to think of a bullshit answer to that question, just in case she did ask. “Oh we were just hanging around eating take-out chips and stuff.” Fair enough answer. Yeah, that was good. Anyone could mistake chips for cigarettes. Like it mattered anyway, I wasn’t even the one doing it.


The rest of the week was hard. I found myself missing Alex more with every passing day. The girls always pushed for me to do things like them, like start wearing nail polish and straighten my hair each morning. Of course I still wanted to be friends with them; they were just hard to understand sometimes.

And I hate to say it, but I was getting worried about Alex.

I had hardly seen him smile in the past week and a half. Every day I saw him sitting in the corner of my eye, really lonely. And he always had a funny look about him, like he was constantly uncomfortable or something.


It was Tuesday morning and the weather was suddenly horrible. “Oh—“ I said when I ran outside to get the mail. There was two letters addressed to me: one saying I had an overdue book from the town library and another from school.

I was worried about the one from school, but it turned out to be something for my parents (regarding school fees or something).

The morning was rather uneventful, beginning with a full school assembly. Alex was at school, as usual, keeping his thoughts to himself

... I don’t think Alex had been taken out of a class before that Tuesday. (Apart from that time in year 7 when he was caught trying to rip his spelling book into tiny little pieces.)


We were in SOSE class taking notes from the white board like we did a lot. A few of the girls were texting under the desks and the boys were throwing paper at each other between writing lines. Except for Alex, who was at the back corner of the classroom, his head down writing slowly. The sound of everyone’s pens scratching in note books and the pen on the whiteboard was quite peaceful.

Without warning Alex started sobbing in the corner. His breaths were shallow and scratchy. People began looking at him and some then looked at me almost expecting me to do something. I tried to keep writing as though I didn’t know what was wrong. My writing got messier with the passing seconds.

After a long minute the crying got louder, more painful. He was shaking from head to toe, somewhat out of control.

Tear drops on his desk, I couldn’t see his face beneath his dark hair. I looked at him for a few moments, and I could feel a small pain in my chest. If I had considered it a moment longer I would have realised that it was my heart hurting.

Mrs Adams turned around. “What’s the matter down there?”

The whole class was silent for once in their lives but Alex couldn’t stop sobbing.

Mrs Adams strode down to the back corner of the room where Alex was seated. She crouched down beside him and whispered something to him. Alex nodded after a few seconds.

They stood up and headed to the door, his head down. As Alex passed me I looked up at him and our eyes locked. Wide and teary piercing green eyes.

He kept walking, Mrs, Adams hand on his shoulder.

“I’ll be just outside, so keep copying these notes.” She took Alex outside.


I could just see Alex’s hair through a closed window. Everyone held their breath.

Alex had settled down quite a bit now and seemed to be explaining something to Mrs Adams but no one could hear proper words anyway.

Alex walked off in the direction of the office.


The door creaked “Finished yet?” Mrs Adams said as she stepped back into the room. The class resumed copying notes.

A few guys shot me a sideways glance or two. “What’s up with Alex?” Josh whispered.

“I’ve got no idea.” I shrugged back, hoping he would be satisfied with the answer.


[read part 3 here]



I Can't Be This Way [part 1]

Title:  I Can’t Be This Way 
Author: Beacbutt (me)
PG 13
Genre: Teen fiction, I suppose. ?
Warnings:  swearing, smoking, attempted suicide, hallucinations, Word Count:  1,600 (part 1.   Whole story  pt 1-4 is  6,400)
There are some lyrics used later on in the story [part 4] (which I will probably forget to say about, so yeah. they aren't mine heh) This is all fictional and all the characters are people that I made up. They are in no way meant to resemble real people.
Dedications: I'd like to 'dedicate' this fiction to my boyfriend Kaelan. I love him so much and he has inspired me to write some parts of this story. So if he ever reads this.......  ;)  yeah, you'll have to read the whole thing. xx
Notes: is in 1st person. Please take your time to give this a read. I love writing and I would love some feedback for this.  I welcome all feedback. So hit me up with a comment! Audra lands herself and her best friend in shit when she decides to make a big change to her life to get out of people spreading rumours. 


I Can't Be This Way

part 1

I sat at my grey desk looking sideways at Alex, watching him twirl a black pen between his fingers.

I recalled meeting him back in grade six...

It was his first day at our school. He was shy and looked nervous. I remember seeing him sitting by himself at lunch. And I left the group of girls and decided to introduce myself. “Hi, I’m Audra... You’re Alex, right?”

“Yeah.” Alex replied.

I put my ten and a half year old butt down on the seat beside him. “I really like your name, Audra.” He said.

I smiled at him. “Thanks.” I replied. After much talking I found that I kind of clicked with Alex.

From that day on, I thought of Alex as my best friend.


When we both moved up to high school, nothing changed between us; Alex is still the little boy I met three and a half years ago, only not so little. He was a whole head taller than me by grade nine.


I blinked and Mrs Pierce’s voice filled my ears again. I looked at Alex’s silver watch on his wrist. It showed a quarter past twelve. Almost over.


Alex’s hair was in his eyes, which were so green. I’ve always liked them and Alex had mentioned once that he like my eyes too. I guess my eyes were kind of unique, a colour somewhere between blue and grey I suppose.

I saw Shelbi smirking at me.

“What?” I whispered at her and she ignored me, but kept staring.

I tried to ignore it. It’s not as though she hasn’t acted like this before. Shelbi and her friends gave me shit because my best friend, maybe only friend, was a guy. I couldn’t help who my friends were and who I liked. That was just the way things were.


I turned away from the nasty, skeletal creature and noticed Alex was looking my way.

 “What’s her problem?” He asked.

“I have no idea.” I replied then turned back to the front of the room.


At our second break for lunch, Alex and I went to our place called ‘the wall’. (We called it that because it was just where we hang out at the back of the science block. ) Somehow we started discussing the whole ‘werewolf vs. Vampire!’ thing.


“Okay, okay. Twilight is pure bullshit, so why does it even matter?” Alex procrastinated.

“Oh, I’m just curious.” I said.

Alex swung his legs down over the side of the concrete block we were sitting on and shuffled himself off it.“Well, vampires are just... I don’t know. Plus, werewolves are Beast, so werewolves.” He stopped wondering back and forwards and faced me. “What about you then?”

I swung my legs over the edge of the concrete and put my thinking face on for no apparent reason. “Werewolves.”

Alex walked up to the concrete block and leant against it. “How come?” he asked.

“Well, vampires are monsters, I guess. How they… devour innocent people.” I said enthusiastically.

“Yeah I s’pose.”  Alex said.

I looked across at Alex, but he didn’t look back at me.

“But you’re right,” I said. “Twilight really does suck.”

Alex laughed. “I knew you would come to your senses one day, Audra.”

I frowned at him. I’ve seen that smile on his lips before. He was either about to expose one of my secrets, pay me out or embarrass me...

“Shut up.” I warned.

“Oh, but he’s sooo hot...”  Alex intimidated.

I punched him quickly on his shoulder.

“Oww! That one actually hurt, y’know.”Alex said and grabbed my foot, trying to pull me off the concrete block.

“Oh, no you don’t.” I muttered and tried to wriggle away from him. I felt my shoe coming off my left foot so I let him pull it off and I darted, rather slowly for ‘darting’, away.

I jumped off the opposite side of the concrete and ran towards the field. I had a pretty good head start, but Alex was fast.

I was almost half way down the field when I realised I was about to corner myself.

Something solid hit me on my back and somehow I tripped over my own feet. I rolled for a second and lay on my grassy back, looking up at the patchy blue sky.

It was a beautiful autumn’s day.


Alex’s head appeared above me, the gold chain around his neck reached down to my face, it was a couple of inches away.

“Gotcha.” Alex said happily.

“Yeah, I know.”

I bit at his necklace and he backed off.

Alex pulled me to my feet and I retrieved my other shoe and pulled it on without undoing the laces. The bell rang for our next class.


“Maths. Yay.” Alex said sarcastically. I smirked at his stupid attitude towards math class. Like, it isn’t all that bad.

Alex looked at me. ”What?” He asked.

“Nothing.” I said.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Okay then?”

I rolled my eyes and elbowed Alex in the ribs.

That was when I realised I would be hopeless without a friend like him.



The next day at school wasn’t the best.

I was sitting at my desk in English class, minding my own business, when the teacher had to go and get something from her office.

The moment the teacher shut the door behind her, the whole class started talking, or everyone except me. Alex was in the other English class, so I didn’t have anyone interesting to talk to.

A little huddle of girls were having yet another intense gossip session. I could have just overheard what they were saying, though something made me actually listen in.


“She doesn’t even have any friends.” Tasha spat.

They couldn’t mean me, could they? I wondered.

“Like, who would even want to be friends with Alex? He’s a creepy Goth boy!” Elle sneered.

What the hell, judging much…

The four other girls made, what I think were satisfied grunt kind of noises, through their noses.

Shelbi leant closer into the huddle. “Well, I reckon they’re secretly dating each other.” She said. “What else do they do behind the science block at lunch?”


I couldn’t believe my ears. So they were obviously talking about me and Al and Shelbi thought me were dating! And…Oh, God.

I know!” Exclaimed Sarah. “They are like, so totally together.”

“Well I think they suit each other.” Said Phoebe.

The other girls gave her quizzical glances.

“They’re both total loser Goths, aren’t they?” Phoebe folded her arms.

Sarah flicked a few strands of half dead hair from her face. “They are.”


By this point I was just about ready to kill someone. They can’t talk about Alex like that! Or me for that matter!


Shelbi shuffled her chair over to the other group of girls and whispered in their ears. Some screwed up their faces and some nodded while continuing to text on their phone.

By the time English was over the whole class thought that Alex and I were together.

I was walking downstairs for lunch break.

“How’s Alex goin’?” Josh asked as he passed me, followed by his mates.

“Ha ha, you’re so funny.” I said. How immature can you get?

I decided to tell Alex about this. He’s the one person who would understand.


We walked casually down to the wall. Alex jumped onto the concrete and stood up, high above me. “So,” He leant against the wall. “what is it you mentioned earlier?”

I sighed and got onto the cement block. “Well, y’know how people give me a bit of shit about you and...”

“Oh, don’t tell me they’ve started this again.”

I looked at him and see the annoyance flickering in his eyes. “Hmm, well.”

“Can’t they just forget it? Move on?”

Alex was starting to lose it. He started playing with the pockets on his school shorts. “Don’t they have someone else to piss off?” I guess he had every reason to be annoyed at this. People, particularly our grade, had been at it for about a year now.

“Sorry, you were saying?” Alex looked down at me again.

I wondered if I should go on or not, but if I didn’t Alex would be really curious, thinking that I’m not telling him something important. “I heard some girls in English spreading rumours about us two. They said that we’re ‘a couple’ and stuff.”


“Yeah.” I said.

There was a few seconds of silence.

“Don’t worry about it Audra,” Alex reassured me and sat down, back against the wall still. “It’s not the end of the world.” He said in a slightly cheerier voice.

I squeezed out a smile and sat next to him. I was still feeling worried about the whole thing for some reason, but I guess Alex was pretty good at calming me down.


A couple of minutes later, when I thought Alex was fine, a few grade eights came around the corner of the lab. We eyed them down and one of them said something to the others which made them all looked at us as though we were monkeys in a cage.

Alex tried to get up but I quickly grabbed his wrist and stopped him full on attacking the brats.

 “Just shut up! Okay!? You can’t just believe every fucking lie you here from anyone!” He howled.

The younger kids kept walking, looking a little scared now.

Alex cursed at them again and said something else in another language.  He looked close to murderous.


“Hey. Alex?” I put his hand upside down in my palm and began rubbing small, slow circles on his hand and wrist.

He looked up at me, and his eyes jumped into mine, angry, tired and confused. “Just settle down, okay?”

He tipped his head back to the wall and exhaled. His eyes closed themselves. “I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“It’s okay.” He sat like that for a while and I realized I was still drawing circles on his hand. Jesus Christ, no wonder people think we’re together.

[read part 2 here]

Sep. 26th, 2010


Panic At The Disco Fanfiction

That Boy, on the Street Corner (standalone)
Author: Beachbutt (me)
Pairing: Joncer, Rydon
General Summary: And then Spencer saw him, that beautiful dark haired boy in the pinstriped vest and grey jeans. He stood on the street corner by the traffic lights.
For the first time in an hour Spencer didn’t feel nervous.

Word count: 550
Rating: G
POV: 3rd person- mainly Spencer

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the people in this story. None of this ever happened, EVER. I made all this shit up. I’m not quite sure, but I might have seen the title (____On the Street Corner) somewhere else. idk
Authors Notes:  Bloody hell, writing this stuff is fun. ENJOY! And again I welcome any and all feedback. Thanks.

That Boy, on the Street Corner

Spencer sat in the passenger seat of the van, trying to block out Brendon’s continuous rabble about their gig which would be starting in three hours. Wait, 2 and 3 quarters.
Spencer shifted in his seat, feeling uncomfortable and nervous.
Brent and Ryan sat in the back, half listening to Brendon, running over the set list in their heads.
Brent’s fingers walked along his air-bass resting on his lap and tapped his foot on the floor.
Ryan hummed melodies quietly and moved his lips ever so slightly when it was to his backing parts.
They both looked so very relaxed and calm but Spencer’s stomach was filled with butterflies and Brendon’s voice wasn’t making him feel any better.

Spencer looked out the window at the passing cars, trees, houses and people then started making up a story for each person in his head.
This seemed to take Spencers mind of the gig but whenever he thought of music, he was reminded of it and felt sick.
Spencer could hear Brendon’s voice.
“Helloooo? Spencey?” Brendon slapped his shoulder.
“Ah, what!?” Spencer snapped.
“Are you okay? You look a bit out of it to me. Oh, you must be nervous. Don’t be nervous! You have no reason to be nervous. I mean, we’ve practised this a million times over. You know what to do! It’ll come automatically after a while. Well, it does for me anyway. Once you’re up on that stage you’ll be totally…”
Spencer turned to look out the window again, leaving Brendon to talk to himself.

Another five minutes of driving passed.

“Yay! We’re almost there!” Brendon said looking over his shoulder at the two boys in the back.
Ryan smiled at him. Yeah, the smile Spencer had seen Ryan shoot him a lot lately. The kind Spencer had only received from a few girls over the past eighteen years of his life.
Brent nodded.
The mass of butterflies in Spencers stomach doubled maybe tripled and he moaned, pushing himself further down into his seat.

Red light.
Brendon pushed the brake pedal down slowly and the van came to a halt just in front of the line on the road.
And then Spencer saw him, that beautiful dark haired boy in the pinstriped vest and grey jeans. He stood on the street corner by the traffic lights.
He had his earphones in and was tapping his foot to the beat in his ears.
Spencer thought he knew him, or had seen him before. No. he thought. It must have been in a dream, or déjà vu.
Jon (hey, where did that come from) walked across the street, Spencers eyes following him. He walked slowly and when he was directly in front of Brendon’s van, looked up and right into Spencers eyes.
Spencer’s stomach fluttered.
Jon turned away and flicked his fringe out of his eyes.

For the first time in an hour Spencer didn’t feel nervous.

Brendon looked at Spencer. “Were you checking him out?” his eyes lit up. “You were!”
“Jesus Christ, man. I wasn’t-“
“I didn’t even know you were gay!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“But I’m not-“
“Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. I tell you everything, so in a way, you…” Brendon was on yet another talking spree.

Spencer looked at Ryan and laughed.
“Tell me everything, huh?”

Sep. 24th, 2010


My Chemical Romance Fanfiction

/>Title:</strong> Won't Learn To Fly
Author: me- >http://beachbutt.livejournal.com/<
Pairing: Mikey Way/ FrankIero
General Summary: I remember beads of sweat forming on my forehead and my sweaty hands slowly slipping out of Frank’s. I remember the very last time we looked into each other’s eyes as Frank said “I love you, Mikey.”
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: This is pure bullocks.
I don't own any of the people in this story and none of this happened whatsoever.
Warnings: death
Authors Notes: My first Fanfic to be posted on LJ. I hope you like it. and please, please, please leave a comment. any feedback would be great!

Won't Learn To Fly

I remember asking Frank to come to Rocky Point with me.

I remember his beautiful smile.

I remember exactly what he was wearing.

I remember the feel of Frank’s hand in mine, walking up to edge of the cliff.

I remember the way Frank spoke as he pulled me back from the edge: “Careful, baby.”

I remember the feeling of kissing him.

I remember the way Frank’s fingers weaved through my hair.

I remember the taste of his lips, like pink conversations we were eating earlier.
I reach down under the bed sheets and feel my pockets (yeah, I left my jeans on) and feel the lumps of remaining conversations.

I sob louder for a moment.

I remember how Frank talked of forming a band with himself on lead guitar and me on bass.

And I remember the way Frank slipped and fell over the edge; I caught him by the hands. His weight strained my arms.

I remember yelling over the noise of the waves crashing hungrily onto the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.

I remember every muscle in my arms burning as I tried to pull him back up.

I remember beads of sweat forming on my forehead and my sweaty hands slowly slipping out of Frank’s.

I remember the very last time we looked into each other’s eyes as Frank said “I love you, Mikey.”

More tears flood down my cheeks and onto my sodden pillow.

I remember Frank slipping out of my fucking hands and falling.

I remember screaming out for someone, anyone. But it didn’t matter, Frank was gone. It was high tide and, even if he didn’t die instantly, the waves would have swept him out and he would have drowned.

I cry louder and turn over onto my stomach, muffling my sobs in the wet pillow. My legs are getting twisted up in the sheets; much like my whole body feels. I feel sick. I feel like I could throw up a million times over. All I want is for Frank to somehow come back and crawl into bed beside me.

I feel so alone in this half empty double bed. In this dark room. So alone in this empty, empty house.

What I need right now (other than Frank, of course) is a good string of guitar riffs. The kind Frank played to me on his acoustic after my brother’s funeral.

Oh God. Funeral. Would they bury an empty coffin like they did for Gerard?

And even if I had that beautiful string of music in my ears right now, it wouldn’t make the crater in my stomach go away, it would just make me lust for Frank even more, no matter how nice it sounds.

No, I can’t do this. Frank was the last thing in my life that made me stay here. And he’s gone.

So I’m going with him.

I get out of bed, don’t put a shirt on, and don’t put shoes on, walk out to the car in my jeans and a belt. I cursed out loud. The belt Frank gave to me. More tears roll down my cheeks and off my jaw bones as I open the car door.

I drive up to Rocky Point, get out of the car and step into the moonlight. Must be past midnight now. The ground is damp and squelches between my cold toes. I walk up to the edge of the cliff and look over the edge. A rush of sea breeze ruffles my already screwed up hair. I pull out the conversations from my pocket; notice the shape and smell of the little pink hearts. “Well, no one here loves me anymore!” I scream at the full moon as though it’s all her fault. I drop the conversations over the edge and watch them be swallowed by the waves pounding the base of the cliff.

This is it.

I inhale a lung full of night air then think of it as poison, so I spit it back out. “I love you, Frank.” I say and feel my last tears run down my face.

I step forward and fall. The feeling beating me up as though I’m a punching bag...

Jul. 4th, 2010


it's Butcha's B'day!

YO YO <3 it's Butcha's b'day!!!! well, happy b'day Butcha/Andy! hope you have a totally sic day!
yeah well, he's not going to see this anyway :'(
*shrugs* he's inspired me to bash the shit out my drum kit :P so i'm happy.
wish the awesome little drummer a happy birthday, bro.